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| The path to the forest and the heather fields |
Over the last couple of months, I've really struggled writing regularly, especially since I got back from Paris at the beginning of January. I've lost the joy of writing my stories. I know many of you have been wanting to know what's happening in my life, both in the office and with my relationship with God. However, my life has honestly been far more exciting in the past than it is at the moment, in terms of traveling and revelations of who God is. God still speaks to me (there's no doubt about that), in the silence I hear His voice talking to me, but the words I hear are too personal, too private, to share on such a public place as this.
What I will share is this. The journey isn't always easy and I'm still learning so much about who I am, who God is and where everything falls in view of my relationship to God. [This is a metaphor]: there's been places of heavy, tropical rain, and the resulting mud has involved me getting stuck. In this times of being stuck, I've seen more of who God is for me. I grew up in a missionary family, and right up until I left home, I kinda thought and expected that my relationship with God could be towed in the wake of my parents' relationship with God. I had to learn, a number of times, that I too can have a strong relationship with God, that God wants to have a relationship with me. I knew this before I left home, but it was head knowledge, not heart knowledge (from experience, I can tell you that there's a HUGE difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge). I've been a Christian for years... since I was a child (I can still remember giving my life to the Lord when I was 3 years old), but there's a process. A process of learning who I am in God. From this place of wanting to know God and having a deeper relationship with Him, my identity and security has strengthened. Sometimes I do struggle trusting that everything is going to work out, but trust is something I've had issues with for a long time... I'm still working on this.
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| The view from my new room |
I also really miss the vibrancy of city life. Epe, the nearest town, is one of those one street villages (in my eyes its a village, despite being listed as a town), where you're likely to run into someone you know around every corner. Its something I'm not used to. I spent twelve years of my life in a busy capital city, Kampala, which I miss in a crazy way; not the being stared at or insulted based on my skin colour or gender part. I just simply miss the city herself, the noise, the smell, the ability to feel like I was very small in such a large place. Kampala has that typical personality of African craziness. The adventure lying around every corner. Maybe expecting something exciting to happen has become my norm that the normal has come as a shock. I'm an introvert and I love being able to disappear into the city and not see anyone I know (which is far easier to do in London than Kampala). This is one of the reasons why I felt so at home in London, given that London has a population (2014 census) that is 7.33 million larger than Kampala's (2002 census). I don't hold anything against being in the countryside, or living where I do, but it can get very difficult (I discovered recently that I really don't like the smell of fertilizer). City life is a part of my DNA and I believe that my being in Epe, working with Youth With A Mission YWAM, won't be forever (no matter what my pessimistic side seems inclined to think).
Over the last couple of weeks I've been praying about the next steps to take, in regards to my future and in GO Teams. There have been changes in regards to the locations, but I'll give that an entry all by itself in a couple of days time (do check back here for that). I'm currently volunteering with YWAM Heidebeek, and my time here finishes at the beginning of September. I really hope I don't offend you by choosing not to post my options in this particular post. I'm just waiting for confirmation and insight from some wise people who I trust and from God.